June 22, 2010/3:30 a.m.

Dreams...

Women invited to go clubbing. 

All in a row in their little black dresses.

"Was everyone invited except me?"

"Yes, everyone except you."

No little black dress for me!

Dreams...

I'm in a English Tea House.

Don't sit,

Because if you do,

The house will come tumbling down!

Dreams can, of course, tell us so much about what we are already feeling.  And these dreams were so vivid that I couldn't get these images out of my mind all day!

I went to my Womens' Support Group last night after having had those dreams; and, as I walked in, they were already talking about -- what else -- weight!   All of the women are older women, like me, and all are having their own personal struggles with weight.  (I guess sometimes the universe brings you what you need.)  That was the only topic the entire night.  

I want so much to understand how I can be so successful, making good choices, when I'm really doing it ("it" being Weight Watchers) and feeling so good about that, and be so out of control now and making -- quite consciously -- terrible choices and not wanting to do "it."  I guess I don't really "need" to know; I just would like to understand myself better, so I could get back onto the straight and narrow of respecting myself enough to take good care of myself and my health, so that I can feel good, feel healthy, and stick around for a long time!  Ah, yes, respect!  That is the word of the day/month/year/lifetime!

June 6, 2010/6:35 p.m.

Oh, I want so much to be in control of my eating choices.  I just can’t seem to get there.  I did have a small shift, however, after I wrote on June 4^th.  Just a small shift, where I began to at least look at the choices I’ve been making and begin to make some better ones.  But then, last night, when I stopped at the market for some soy milk for breakfast, I got a sourdough baguette, “so I could finish up the remaining margarine that I had bought, and have it with the yummy blueberry jam that I got for my birthday.  Oh, yeah, that’s good thinkin’ (sound of me laughing at myself).  At least I can laugh about it.  It would be really funny, except for the fact that I’m so uncomfortable and can’t breath.  Only that.

Being able to write here does help, because I feel like I’m not alone, even if no one else is reading this…it feels good to write.

June 4, 2010/12:24 a.m.

Today was a much better day – well, sort of.  I wanted to go to the Weight Watchers meeting at 9-something a.m., but since I didn’t fall asleep until 4-something a.m., I re-set the alarm to 10:20 a.m., so I could go to the 12:15 p.m. meeting.  The next thing I know, I open my eyes and it’s 12:15 p.m.!  Yikes!  I must’ve thought I was hitting the snooze button, but I must’ve hit the “turn off the alarm” button.  I jumped out of bed, threw my clothes on, and raced out the door.  I got there just before the meeting was over, so I got to hear the last few minutes, and I got to get weighed, which was the most important thing.  I needed to know, and I felt that I was ready to begin again.

I had lost 50 lbs. on Weight Watchers, and then my dear, sweet, intelligent, amazing brother died last October; and, since then (8 mos.), as of today, I’ve gained back 34 of those lbs.  I was relieved to see that I hadn’t gained it all back.  Then, later in the afternoon, I realized that I wasn’t REALLY ready, and so I decided to try to hold the line until after my nephew’s graduation on June 13^th – meaning be able to just not gain anymore – just stay the same.  I was feeling really stressed about it, because I didn’t think I could stay on program while I was away.  That’s a more realistic goal for me right now.

June 3, 2010/12:17 a.m

I am/feel so out of control.  I don’t have control over my messy kitchen; I don’t have control over what I seem to be putting into my mouth; I don’t have control over dragging myself out of bed every day, only to end up doing absolutely nothing productive.  I guess I could put it another way:  I am, at this moment in time, as they say in 12 step groups, “powerless” over these things.  And it sounds like I’m depressed.

I know how good I feel when I am in control – when my kitchen is nice and clean, so that it’s fun to cook; when I am eating a healthy meal and sticking to my Weight Watchers (WW) plan and feeling proud of myself, and when I am working hard and come home exhausted at the end of the day.  I know how that feels.  That feels good.  That feels very good, even great.

When I’m doing it – being in control of my food choices, for example – I’m really doing it.  When I’m making good choices on my Weight Watcher’s plan, you can’t get me to eat anything that won’t be a good choice for me, because on WW you can eat absolutely anything and everything.  It comes down to a matter of making good choices from that absolutely anything and everything list.  And when I’m in control I am making those good choices.

Right now I feel, literally, sick, stuffed like a little piggie.  I ate so much today (but didn’t even begin to eat until around 1 or 2 p.m.).   I am so stuffed that I can hardly breathe. 

Giant bowl of cereal(s) with soy milk

Finished last night’s pasta

Vanilla Crème JoJo’s cookies from Trader Joe (I shared some with my dog)

Gulps of soy milk right out of the bottle all day long

¾ of a giant loaf of French bread (minus most of the inside) with marg. & jam

More Vanilla Crème JoJo’s cookies from Trader Joe’s

UGH!