June 3, 2010/12:17 a.m

I am/feel so out of control.  I don’t have control over my messy kitchen; I don’t have control over what I seem to be putting into my mouth; I don’t have control over dragging myself out of bed every day, only to end up doing absolutely nothing productive.  I guess I could put it another way:  I am, at this moment in time, as they say in 12 step groups, “powerless” over these things.  And it sounds like I’m depressed.

I know how good I feel when I am in control – when my kitchen is nice and clean, so that it’s fun to cook; when I am eating a healthy meal and sticking to my Weight Watchers (WW) plan and feeling proud of myself, and when I am working hard and come home exhausted at the end of the day.  I know how that feels.  That feels good.  That feels very good, even great.

When I’m doing it – being in control of my food choices, for example – I’m really doing it.  When I’m making good choices on my Weight Watcher’s plan, you can’t get me to eat anything that won’t be a good choice for me, because on WW you can eat absolutely anything and everything.  It comes down to a matter of making good choices from that absolutely anything and everything list.  And when I’m in control I am making those good choices.

Right now I feel, literally, sick, stuffed like a little piggie.  I ate so much today (but didn’t even begin to eat until around 1 or 2 p.m.).   I am so stuffed that I can hardly breathe. 

Giant bowl of cereal(s) with soy milk

Finished last night’s pasta

Vanilla Crème JoJo’s cookies from Trader Joe (I shared some with my dog)

Gulps of soy milk right out of the bottle all day long

¾ of a giant loaf of French bread (minus most of the inside) with marg. & jam

More Vanilla Crème JoJo’s cookies from Trader Joe’s

UGH!